“𝐒𝐭𝐮𝐜𝐤 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐒𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐠𝐠𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠: 𝐀 𝐒𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐖𝐞 𝐃𝐨𝐧’𝐭 𝐓𝐚𝐥𝐤 𝐀𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐄𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡

Hello lovelies! It’s been a while since I wrote a blog. I’m really struggling right now. It’s my first time writing while struggling, and there’s no definitive answer yet, or it’s still on the way. But I’m writing because this is how I process everything that’s going on in my crazy mind. I hope that someone will resonate with me or will give me some advice (maybe). Anyway, let’s dive in.

I’m feeling stuck right now, kasi feeling ko, hindi ko natutupad yung pagiging artist ko. Ginigising ni Lord yung intimate desire ko to pursue being an artist. What makes it complicated is yung desire ko to work sa secular world ay wala na. I want to be professional and I need secular training to make me professional right? I feel na hindi ako qualified na ma-hired. I tried naman like sa technical writing pero hindi ako natatanggap dahil kulang sa professional skills & experience which are in-demand. I want to fulfill being an artist through my ministry. What if I can train myself professionally using the ministry? Pero I think my ministry, like specifically being ministry head, is hindi relevant sa pagiging artist ko. Hindi ako makapag-full time sa ministry kasi hindi ko siya calling kaya optional lang sya sakin. Tsaka nabibigatan ako na pagsabayin ang ministry headship at full time ministry.

Naiisip ko din na it’s dangerous na maging artist sa secular world kasi artistry in the secular world is dominated by worldly desires. Baka ma-corrupt lang ako. Natatakot ako.

Anyway, I think what I must do is first, find things na related ang pagiging ministry head ko sa pagiging artist ko. Priority ko kasi ang pagiging ministry head ko sa’yo ngayon dahil ito yung greatest & biggest responsibility ko. I need to find ways na mai-apply ko ang pagiging artist ko sa headship ko. I’m thinking of an artist in a general sense. Hindi lang as a writer, visual artist but creativity of a leader sa mga program ng mga events kasi I think kulang ako ng creativity. Kapag hindi ko kasi nakonek ang artistry sa headship, baka ma-discouraged ako or worst ay mag-quit which is yung pag-quit ay muntik ko ng magawa dati.

Tapos, continuous prayer & fasting to seek God’s direction for specific tasks na gagawin ko on how to train being an artist. I want to be a professional writer, graphic artist, and animator. Ang dami kong gustong gawin pero ang dami ding pumipigil sa akin. Or ang dami ko lang excuses? For example, wala akong pera kasi sa part time ministry ako kumikita. Wala akong full time work right now dahil nag-career shift ako. Ayoko ng bumalik sa pagiging accountant. Kasi demanding sa time at energy ang accounting industry. Hindi ko mapu-pursue ang artistry kapag bumalik ako sa accounting industry. Wala akong enough money pero nagbabayad ako ng bills ko. Voluntary akong naghuhulog sa sss, philhealth, at pag-ibig, may pledge ako at tithes. Doon napupunta ang earnings ko. So, can’t afford ang pricy na face to face or online seminars. Pang-basic lang yung laptop ko kaya wala syang adobe suite. Hindi ko din afford ang pang-gamer kaya di ko ma-pursue si animation. Pero I realized na isa-isa lang muna kasi gusto kong pagsabay-sabayin ang mga iba-ibang kasanayan sa arts knowing fully well na enough na ang isa para maging lifetime career like writing katulad ng ibang tao. Pero hindi kasi ako ibang tao. Hindi enough sakin ang isang career lang ng artistry. Ambitious ako tsaka aside from that, yun ang naiintindihan kong kaya kong gawin. I worked hard when inspired and passionate. Madami pa kong gustong gawin aside sa mga nabangit ko ng klase ng arts na gusto ko. Aside from arts, nag-aaral ako ng Bible mula sa materials ng The Bible Project. Para akong nagba-bible school.

So, ayun ang struggle ko now. To wrap it up lang, I’m stuck between professional and ministry choices. I should fast & pray for it until I get the answer. Actually, unti-unti naman si Lord sumagot para hindi rin ako ma-overwhelmed. That’s it. Sorry sa pagiging vulnerable. Hindi ko naman sure if may magbabasa nito.hehe. Thank you for reading. Update ako if may mga sagot na si Lord sakin.

May the Lord bless you and keep you (Numbers 6:24)!

𝙁𝙧𝙪𝙞𝙩 𝙤𝙛 𝙅𝙤𝙮