𝐋𝐈𝐕𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐆𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐈𝐎𝐔𝐒𝐋𝐘 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 𝐌𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐋 𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐔𝐆𝐆𝐋𝐄

The year 2022 was a nightmare for me. I suffered from depression since the last quarter of it. It was the year when I was deeply tested and my faith in God was challenged. My mentor died, and I don’t have anyone to lean on. I opened up to him my deepest secrets and struggles. But now he’s gone. I’m completely lost. I don’t know how to grieve. It is my first-hand experience of losing a loved one. Before, I was so thankful to God that I was spared from that pain.

During his wake, the first thing that comes to my mind every time I wake up is his death. Sometimes, I just cry silently. I don’t know how I managed to get out of bed and go to the funeral. But by God’s grace, I managed to go through it. I realized that I was not the only one suffering. I remembered his family. Their pain was greater than mine. They have to live with the pain that they will never get to see him in this lifetime. Their only hope or our only hope is the reunion in heaven. But no one knows when that reunion will be. Only God knows.

I thought that was my biggest trial that year. Here comes the last week of September when I had difficulty sleeping. My mind is in turmoil. I am living in torment. I am anxious and fearful at night. I had a mind fog. I cannot focus on anything. I have difficulty remembering things. When my sleep got better, I struggled to get out of bed. I’m always on my bed all day. I refuse to eat and to take a bath. I don’t want to live any longer. I don’t have any dreams for the future. I am toxic. I believe the lies of the enemy that I am a loser and no good thing is in store for me. My family got worried. My mother got me consulted by a psychiatrist. I am diagnosed with a mental disorder. I am not ready to disclose what it is. But it is not insurable. I tried to have a corporate job but my condition only worsened.

But thanks be to God that I am recuperating. The meds are working but with side effects. I hope that someday, I won’t need to take them anymore. Coming back to the reality of life, I realized that I wasted years of it. Depression took my days, months, and years. It took away my dreams, hopes, and aspirations. Even my strength and my joy. The joy of my salvation. But thanks be to God for comforting me. I needed Him the most. He is the only one who can understand what I’m going through. I have a difficult relationship with my loved ones because of my depression. They tried to understand me, but I isolated myself in my room. In my room, I am not in peace. I was plagued with negative thoughts and emotions. I avoided responsibility thinking I was not good enough, and I will just mess it up. I asked God to not wake me up the next morning.

Last year, I got my person with a disability (PWD) ID from the municipal office. The reason written on the card is “mental.” I presented a medical certificate from my psychiatrist to the PWD Office. I paid nothing. At first, I was too shy to use my privileges with that card. But knowing I’m not the only one, I’m starting to enjoy it. I get a discount when I buy my medicines. I can also have a discount for recreational purposes. My first thought is that my PWD ID will label me as someone who is crazy. But it makes me realize that people are beginning to understand what mental disorder truly is.

I am better now compared to last year. What helps me the most is my relationship with God and serving Him. I am overwhelmed before by my responsibility as a ministry head. But now, it is my bloodline. I thank God for trusting me even if He knows that I am mentally broken. I also thank my family for staying beside me. I am deeply grateful to my church mates, especially to those who reached out during my darkest days. They sit with me and listen to my thoughts. Thanks for their prayers and love. I deeply felt it and appreciate it.

And last is to the One who created me, God the Father, to the Lord Jesus who earnestly prays for me, and to the comforter, the Holy Spirit. You have known me fully but loved me fully despite all of my rebellious ways and running away from my calling. I don’t know what’s in store for me for this year. But I trust that You will never give up on me. Thanks for your big dreams for me. Thank you for choosing me to have a great future. Thanks for listening to all of my complaints and lamentations at night. Thanks for being my God and for creating me.

This year, whenever I’m going through something, I will declare and believe in Jeremiah 31:3, “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.

From Your love, I will draw strength, faith, hope, and dreams. My ultimate goal in my life is to bear fruit of joy for Your glory my Lord and my Savior.

Thanks for reading my blog. 𝗣𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗲 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝗵𝗲𝘀𝗶𝘁𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗮𝗻𝘆 𝗽𝗿𝗮𝘆𝗲𝗿 𝗿𝗲𝗾𝘂𝗲𝘀𝘁𝘀 𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻. 𝗟𝗲𝘁 𝗺𝗲 𝗽𝗿𝗮𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘆𝗼𝘂.

Praying with you,

Fruit of Joy